Honestly, We're Not that Honest

Jen Hatmaker’s latest book Fierce Free & Full of Fire has got my wheels turning; more specifically Chapter 11 I Want to Connect with HONESTY.

Would you say you are an honest person?

I would bet that unless you are under the age of 6, the real answer is no. But maybe you answered yes to this question. Think about it... we all know how honest a toddler is, they will tell it like it is. Are you really sure you do though?

Now we may be honest people in terms of the facts we provide, but we tend to leave out some details. Or tell little white lies. If you think about it…what do we accomplish by doing this? Usually we tell these lies or leave details out in an attempt to protect someone. We don’t want to hurt their feelings or embarrass them. But thinking about this from the receiving end, wouldn’t you rather know the truth so you can better yourself?

I think we can all become happier people, with less stress as we continue to better ourselves through being the most honest person we can be. Being not only honest with ourselves, but everyone that surrounds us; our friends, our partners, our colleagues, our family and complete strangers.

Have you ever been in a relationship and your partner asked you if you were happy? 

You replied yes, but actually meant no. I have.

Has a friend ever asked you how her dress looks? 

You replied great, but actually meant hideous! I have.

Have you ever had a colleague that consistently does something wrong that drives you nuts? 

And instead of correcting them, you just redo it, because it’s easier than the confrontation. I have. 

Has a complete stranger ever asked you, how do you feel about the United States owning Alaska? 

And you answered, well I’ve never really thought about it... but really you want to say what the  actual f%&k kind of question is that? I have.

My point is, it’s just easier to avoid being honest sometimes or omit parts of it. So my thoughts are that maybe we need to learn how to approach and read how to give honesty in each situation, individually. Shouldn’t it be just as important for us to learn how to take and accept criticism? When someone provides you with criticism, reflect on their comments and think about what it means to you. You may agree or disagree with them, but thank them for their feedback and take time to actually think about the criticism. Is there a take away for you to better yourself, or is it something you need to explore further? 

We often first become comfortable receiving criticism versus giving it. So when you’re ready to give it, put yourself in the shoes of the receiver. We want to provide constructive criticism, so they can learn to better themselves or just to be informative (you have spinach in your teeth, buddy or Amy, you look like you haven’t washed your hair in 12 days). Do not put someone down or embarrass them. State the facts, how they can improve or what they need to do differently. And remember this is just your opinion. They may not agree and that’s completely okay. But you can have a civil conversation and you learned something about this person so you can grow the relationship if needed or desired.

Honesty is so important for building relationships. My girlfriend Danielle will always give me her honest opinion. I may not always agree with her but I always respect her for telling me how she feels and she respects when I politely disagree. The relationship remains strong because we can be honest with each other.

Honesty is something I continue to work towards, I too thought I was a pretty honest person, but I realized my dishonesty lies with omission. I’ve started to leave less things out and it feels so good. Because the times when it’s tough to say the truth, it feels like a weight off your shoulders when you do. It’s a breath of fresh air to finally tell your partner or your friend or your coworker exactly what you have been holding back for so long and just brushing it off. 

I don’t think we need to become better at taking constructive criticism, I think we need to become better at giving it. So opposite to the toddler, why do we struggle to tell it like it is?

Let’s be honest…

• Don’t agree to hang out with that ‘friend’ you don’t actually want to hang with. Tell them you’re not interested.

• Tell your crush how you really feel.

• If you have something to say behind someone’s back, do your best to find a way to tell them to their face.

• Tell your girlfriend when she’s pissed you off and why.

• When asked for your opinion on someone’s outfit, tell them your exact thoughts. And be prepared to agree to disagree. My girlfriend Sam is really good at giving me her honest opinion, even when I don’t ask for it. She often tells me, “Kate, you’re dressed like a mom.” and my response is usually something along the lines of “But I’m comfortable and don’t look like I’m working the street corner”.

• If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, tell them (no one deserves to get the heeby jeebys).

• Impressed by the work someone does? Recognize them for it.

Honesty feels good, believe me. Jen Hatmaker, Fierce Free & Full of Fire...give it a read. Especially Chapter 11. Catch yourself in your own lies and call me out on mine!

Kate